codependency

What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of

*maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with

healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

How do I know if I’m codependent?

Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re codependent.

What are some of the symptoms?

· controlling behavior

· distrust

· perfectionism

· avoidance of feelings

· intimacy problems

· caretaking behavior

· hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for

potential threat/danger)

·

physical illness related to stress

Isn’t everyone codependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?

Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

· It’s not okay to talk about problems

· Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep

feelings to yourself

·

Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation

· Be strong, good, right, perfect

· Make us proud beyond realistic expectations

· Don’t be selfish

· Do as I say not as I do

· It’s not okay to play or be playful

· Don’t rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life

Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. --Beverly Sills

Oftentimes, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being able to HAVE FUN AND PLAY! ;) So part of recovery from codependency is learning how to let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we learn how to let go and play.

How can counseling help?

For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.

Aging

Aging

Aging can be liberating, the crowning of a lifetime, a fruition of a life fully lived. We can finally live the way we want to live. But aging can also bring many changes at a time when we are least able to adapt to change. Hospitals, nursing homes, healthcare, Medicaid, falls, broken hips, wheelchairs, walkers, and canes. Hospice, living wills, assisted care, night time driving, independence and salesmen. The deaths of lifelong friends, the inability to go to a funeral for a last good-bye. Lots of time on your hands to reminisce, a worsening loss of memory.

Aging can bring deep sadness, grief, frustration and despair not only to the aging person, but to their family. What's it like to lose your partner, friends, job, brothers and sisters, your sight, teeth, appetite, sense of taste, your legs? In trying to cope with growing old, what helps? What wisdom and insight can all of us gain from this process?

In some ways, prejudice against the aged is more ingrained and unexamined than racism, sexism, and homophobia. What can we do to help make the last years of life the best years of life? How can we transform institutions for elderly care from impersonal warehouses to homes away from home? It has been estimated that more people in the United States are caregivers to the elderly than to small children. The care itself can be an even greater commitment of time, effort, and sacrifice. To want to do more, do better, spend more time is the vexation of most support givers to an elderly family member. Our fast changing culture has forever changed how our aging loved one's live and die. Can people now die with dignity, serenity, and grace? What can a family do?

Some of the most compassionate counsellors work with aging people. The grief, regrets, and losses that aging people experience sometimes need a helping hand. So if you want help for an aging loved one, how do you get it? What do you do? A good start is with you. Have you asked them yourself what its like to be them? Can you explore with them some of their scary thoughts, and their personal pain?

By exploring a little yourself, you can make a better decision about how to help. Most of the time, help begins with friends and family, through someone they can talk and share with, or by providing a plant, a pet, a new hobby. A counsellor can also be a good start or second step. A counsellor who specializes in working with aging people are a great resource for gaining a better understanding, they can be a resource for learning how to help the ones we love.

Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is usually more important than the outcome. Not everyone can be Number 1.

-Arthur Ashe

One thing we can all be sure of is: if we're alive, we will age. In a society that celebrates youth as ours does, it is often hard to face the reality of aging.

People in the US spend billions of dollars on beauty products believing if we look young, we will feel young, and feeling young is good. We don’t deal with death very well in our culture. The realities of aging remind us of our mortality, and so many of us do all we can do to avoid facing that aging.

Refusal to accept the natural process of birth, growth, maturity, physical decline, and death can, in of itself, cause great distress for the elderly. Elderly people can also experience periods of depression, anxiety, and grief which can be natural consequences of living in an aging body, but there are also unique ways in which these common maladies manifest themselves in the elderly. Depression in the elderly often masquerades as dementia, the same primary symptom of Alzheimer’s. It is not uncommon for memory to fail as we age; by itself it is not cause for concern.

Alzheimer’s disease: While not very common, is of great concern because the loss of control over our minds and bodies can be tremendously fearful. The primary feature is dementia, which plays into our fear of, "I'm losing my mind!" It also touches off our issues regarding being independent versus dependent on others. Unfortunately, our fear of Alzheimer’s causes us to confuse some common symptoms of easily remedied problems with those of the more serious illness.

Depression is far more common than Alzheimer’s. 13% of the elderly community (30% in medical settings), are depressed. Depression in the aging can develop for a multitude of reasons, including failing health, as part of grieving the loss loved ones, inactivity, and fear of pain or death. Older people find themselves in environments where it's hard to keep busy, or where little is expected of them. This inactivity can cause an onset of depression.

It’s important to pay attention to what's going on in our bodies, and be open in pursuing assistance from medical or mental health professionals. We can live a good life, our whole life, if we can face the changes in our bodies, adjust to new lifestyles, accommodate our diet, support our physical needs, and face our mortality, utilizing our personal spiritual beliefs to help contend with the inevitable.