What is co-dependency? What’s the definition?
There are many definitions used to talk about co-dependency today. The original concept of co-dependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviours people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, co-dependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of co-dependency is: a set of
*maladaptive,
*compulsive behaviours learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing
*great emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviours which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the co-dependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued un fulfilment.
Even when a co-dependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the co-dependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if co-dependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviours and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
How do I know if I’m co-dependent?
Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re co-dependent.
What are some of the symptoms?
- controlling behaviour
- distrust
- perfectionism
- avoidance of feelings
- intimacy problems
- caretaking behaviour
- hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
- physical illness related to stress
Isn’t everyone co-dependent?
There are some natural and healthy behaviour mothers do with children that look like co-dependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of co-dependency that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is co-dependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn’t the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or co-dependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be co-dependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?
Why do we become co-dependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become co-dependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may because co-dependency may include:
- It’s not okay to talk about problems
- Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
- Don’t be selfish
- Do as I say not as I do
- It’s not okay to play or be playful
- Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behaviour characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life
Melody Beattie writes that co-dependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
--Beverly Sills
Oftentimes, a part of being co-dependent is a resistance to being able to HAVE FUN AND PLAY! ;) So part of recovery from co-dependency is learning how to let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we learn how to let go and play.
How can counselling help?
For people with co-dependency, individual counselling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication. Counselling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviours, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.
In the case of co-dependency though, counselling only helps if the counsellor is aware of their own tendency towards co dependence, or if the counsellor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counsellors, in the case of co-dependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counsellor develops a working relationship with a client that has co-dependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counsellors has not addressed their own co-dependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counsellor for this kind of support.
There are also self-help groups for co-dependency, called CODA groups. More information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.
